Hope

Here I am back to blogging after a year or so break. Life has changed so drastically in that year it is hard to reconcile in my brain. One year ago I was just finishing my first semester of school at LDSBC. I was so proud of myself for making it through a 14 credit load while still struggling to put food on our table and keep a roof over our heads. I was finally feeling like I could maybe get my nose above water and start living my life instead of merely surviving. Hope, that's what it was. The first glimmers of hope that things wouldn't always be so desperate and heartbreaking after a divorce, financial and emotional devastation, and some serious depression from the load I was carrying.

Hope came to me in so many forms...the scholarship at my school for single moms, a good bishop with sometimes hard counsel, friends and family, tender mercies that reminded me I was never, ever alone. Hope has a power to transform even the darkest of circumstances into something conquerable. I remember finishing my second semester of school and feeling completely spent. With three kids at home (and two on their own), working multiple part time jobs, and pulling off that required B average to stay in the program at school I was beyond stretched...I was breaking.

I had been invited to attend a luncheon for the recipients and donors of my scholarship the week before school ended. Not great timing to be missing class for a luncheon, but I was assured my teachers would understand and that it would be worth it. I dragged myself there that day and did my best to work the room and seem happy to be there. I don't think I fooled anyone. The cracks in my soul were starting to show in my countenance and by the the dark circles under my eyes from sleepless nights. I felt sure that given a smidge more pressure in my life I would crumble and someone would just have to sweep me away like the crumbs that were falling from the table as we ate our lunch.

As we ate some of the donors spoke, as well as one of the other single mom's, and finally the president of the school. As they spoke of their understanding of being a single parent and the support and love they offered us, hope started to filter in through my exhaustion and negativity. The spirit of love in the room was palpable and I just couldn't help it, the tears of relief started to flow. Someone understood how I was feeling. They understood the exhaustion, the pain, the heartache and the burdens that not only I was carrying but every other single parent in the room. They spoke of making it through this really difficult time and that eventually we would have better lives through our education, hard work and faith. HOPE.

It was a day I will never forget.

The hope I received that day got me through my third semester at LDSBC and my most grueling yet. Not only that, but during that semester I started to date again. Not the best timing, but it was nice to have a distraction now and then; albeit extremely weird to be back in that arena. Dating also gave me some hope that someday, WAY down the road I might find someone to share my life with and allow myself to love again. But that was a long way off.

Or so I thought.

I met this guy on line. Nice guy. Lived in Alaska...kind of an issue as I lived in Utah, but hey, I wasn't looking for anything serious anyway. Funny, smart, good looking, wrote amazing emails. We write, we chat, we talk, we Skype, we meet. We fall in love. We meet family and friends, we spend some more time together and we get engaged. WHAT? So not in the plan. He lives in Alaska, I'm in school, own two businesses, I've got kids in school who have never lived anywhere but Utah, WHAT? But what can I say, this wonderful man filled my soul with love and hope that I never thought I would have again. I prayed and prayed to ask it this was the right thing to do. I mean this was BIG and SCARY, but I had so much peace and so many answers to so many prayers I knew it was right.

When he proposed on the shore of the Cook Inlet just outside of Anchorage he asked me to look across the bay to a little town barely visible...ok not visible at all in the rainy weather...but I trusted it was there. The name of the town was Hope Alaska. He said he wanted me to see Hope when he asked me to marry him. Hope of our lives together, hope in the love we shared and hope for a very bright future. It worked.

So here I am, married, living in Alaska with my kids, new husband and step son, and as happy as I have ever been. Yes, I will finish my degree. Yes, there will be bumps in our road. And YES, I have hope that has seen me through some seriously dark days that I thought I would never make it through. But with God, prayer, love, friends and family I have a "perfect brightness of hope" for our future.