Sparked by recent events, I've been on a binge of Facebook posting. I've been reposting links to articles that have attempted to counterbalance the recent spike in ridiculous and sad behavior in the media. I'm not going to re-post links to the sadness, it's all quite sad enough without having to relive it. But the issues of how women do or do not value themselves, how men view and treat women, how bodies are used and misused and where accountability lies have been at the forefront of many minds of late. It's something that I'm very passionate and vocal about, but chose to share other people's words and voices, rather than take the time to share my own. I'm making amends for that here.
I recently reposted a blog post from a mom addressing the teenage girls in her son's lives. Here's where I have to own my own lack of wisdom. I read this post, and while I did and do applaud this mom for many things in her post, the hypocrisy of this mom asking girls to respect themselves and be modest whilst posting pictures of her sons shirtless was not lost on me. Yet, my passion for girls (and women) to hear a different message than the one being screamed at them from the media and each other, over shadowed my desire to find balance and wisdom and I reposted it anyway without calling out the hypocrisy. Nor did I flinch at the way in which these girls were called out and the way that they probably felt publicly humiliated by this well meaning mom.
However, my son called me out on my error today. He reminded me of the blatant hypocrisy and also pointed out how hard it could have been on some of those teenage girls who were just looking for some positive feed back and attention....however misdirected it may have been. He's awesome like that.
We've had an interesting conversation about body image, morals, standards, modesty and sex the past few days.
As a matter of background, we both have a passion for design. Be it interior, industrial, fashion, architecture, you name it, we love it. Granted he has more talent for said passion in his little finger than I ever will in my lifetime, but we have common ground. We both appreciate the beauty, balance and brilliance of thoughtful, purposeful design; and because we share this passion we share a continual immersion into media. Media that lifts, enlightens, and positively engages, and media that does the exact opposite.
As a 47 year old woman and as a 22 year old man we have interesting perspectives on the flood of images that are out there, and how the entertainment and advertising world tends to project and sell sex, sexuality and image. We agree that there is a whole lot of garbage out there as well as a whole lot of beauty and greatness. We also agree that people need to be accountable and responsible, both for themselves and for what they sell.
Balance and wisdom.
In agreement with a written response to the aforementioned link, my son argues that well meaning parents need to spend more time teaching their sons that thoughts can be controlled, that THEY are accountable for their their thoughts and actions and that men are not just spineless individuals driven only by sex. They need to teach their son's that women are more than their bodies, to look beyond what they see. He argues that if parents spend all of their energies locking down the images that our son's WILL eventually encounter (by accident, circumstance or on purpose), instead of helping them understand how to control their response to what they see, we will continue to perpetuate the plague of porn addiction and/or men who view women as objects to be used.
I agree. There has to be a balance. We live in a world full of mixed messages, confused individuals, evil and piousness, filth, beauty and mediocrity. There is no escaping it. We will encounter all of it. What matters is what we choose to seek out. What matters is how we respond to what we encounter. Yes, be safe. Yes, protect. Yes, voice, teach and LIVE your morals and your standards. But also voice, teach and LIVE accountability, responsibility and wisdom in choices.
I also applaud teaching girls and women to value and respect themselves. In fact I shout it from the roof tops.... or at least in my conversations, church classes and every chance I get. I see women and girls suffering from anxiety, depression, eating disorders and addiction because they are trying to live up to the impossible and the destructive. It breaks my heart. We need to have compassion and understanding for these women and be a voice to counter the barrage, but we also have to recognize that we, as women, have as much responsibility to not listen to or emulate the negativity and degradation that's out there as men do in choosing how they respond to the same.
Ladies, we are not spineless sponges that have to absorb and act on what we see and hear. We need to teach our daughters, sisters, mothers and friends to respect themselves. Stand up, be healthy, be honest. We can choose whether or not that airbrushed and photoshopped image is what we emulate or not and we can choose if it is going to make us feel like crap and raid the refrigerator to feel better. We can choose to not be like the movie or TV star who has to starve and go under the knife to look like they do. We can choose to understand that balance in being healthy and exercising has nothing to do with fitting into size three jeans and if your neighbor's butt looks better than yours.
And we ALL need to choose to understand that human intimacy is not about how she looks or how he looks. It might get the the fire started, but its not real, it won't last. Sex, in its truest sense of the word is about intimacy. It is love, compassion, honesty (with yourself and with your partner), vulnerability and passion for each other. Lust, selfishness and Hollywood have nothing to do with intimacy. And sex without intimacy is shallow and empty.
I'm not perfect, I have body image issues, I struggle with how I feel in my own skin, I eat emotionally and I'm overweight. I'm not immune to the sea of trash. But I'm working on it and I'm choosing to be aware, to surround myself with people and images that are real and inspiring. I'm eternally grateful for a husband who loves me for who I am and does not expect me to be something that is unrealistic and superficial. I know many women who do not have that kind of unconditional love and support. I'm grateful for a son who cares about balance and wisdom and values his gender's ability to stand up and be strong and accountable. I'm grateful that he respects women and sees the beauty inside and out.
I guess what I'm trying to convey is that we all struggle with the enormity of what's out there. It's confusing and hard to navigate. The greatest gift we have is the ability to choose how we navigate and what we absorb. I just pray that we can teach what a great gift that is while continuing to stand up for
what is good, beautiful and right, with love, compassion and example.
